Hyperspace On Hold Again!

UTHERNESS High Street's proposed new hyperspatial teleport has suffered another set-back yesterday, with North Uthernesshire Council refusing to pay the proposed £8.7 billion required to build a nuclear-powered "stargate" at either end of the shopping precinct.

HOLE

Plans for a wormhole-based public transport system were originally announced back in 2004, but put on hold following a feasibility study. A new PFI contract was signed in 2006, with NUC employing the construction firm MacRoads of Epsilon Eridani B.

SOMETIME

Building was due to start at the R S McColls end of the precinct last Friday, but has currently been put on hold due to a legal claim made by the firm for several billion pounds outstanding. Negotiations between all parties are due to begin upon the arrival of MacRoads' lawyers, which by current astronomical data should happen sometime in September 2019.

DISGRACE

The prospect of ten years of delays has upset some shopkeepers. Angie Clarty of Clarty Hair said: "The High Street is currently cordoned off to pedestrians. It's a disgrace that in this, the year of Homecoming, visitors can't even enjoy a simple hyperspatial jump without all this bureaucratic nonsense."

SOMEONE ELSE

"It's not rocket science," said someone else.

LIES

Hyperspatial jumps were a popular mode of transport in the early twentieth century, with most major cities in the UK having extensive tachyon tubes and wormhole networks, a MacRoads spokesman informed us today. The only teleport system currently surviving in the UK is in the Birkenhead area of Liverpool, but is now a rather dwindling tourist attraction.

FUTHERNESS EDUCATION

Advertising Feature

Utherness College of Further Education have announced their new Easter programme of evening classes: whether you are interested in medicine, car maintenance or literature, why not pop along to the Admissions office and pick up a prospectus, or apply online at www.ebay.co.uk/subs_check_url

ADULT EDUCATION (Thursday 6-9pm) Do you want to learn maths, but with extra nudity and swearing? Then this 6-week course is the one for you!

BASIC ADULT EDUCATION (Monday 6-9pm) Do you have a problem with basic understandingment of English? Then expression kiss outblown your mum anvil jamrag. Course lasts 6-whoops.

CAR MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Every aspect of car maintenance is covered in this 26 week BSL-accredited course. Modules include: paying a mechanic, sitting in the office reading "Autotrader", ignoring thumps while braking, and having a "mate".

CV MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Do you have a Curriculum Vitae (in the Yanks films, they call them "resumays")? Join me, Ernie Silver, for seven weeks where I show you how to build a resumay worthy of the best jobs Utherness has to offer - part-time care assistants, all-night garage cashiers, telesales and homeworking with craft envelopes. The future resu-may be yours!

DISHWASHING (Monday 1-3pm) Unemployed men - this 30 week course is for you!

FACEBOOK FOR THE ELDERLY (Monday 3-5pm) Ever wondered how to make a cup of tea on-line? Or play 'Countdown' with friends when the buses are off? This great fun course shows you how becoming a "silver surfer" can turn you into a tedious over-energetic annoyance in just six weeks.

THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 6-8pm) Born in 1759 Ayrshire, you follow poet Robert Burns through his life of hard-drinking and womanising, from a simple farm hand, through his years of stardrom in Edinburgh, before ending ignominiously in debt in Dumfries. Course lasts 37 years.

MONTY PYTHON'S THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 7-9pm) Born in the cottage next door in 1759 Ayrshire, Brian Burns spends his entire life hilariously being mistaken for Robert Burns, despite the fact his poetry is awful and he is awkward with women. Course lasts 88 minutes (color).

PhD IN PALLIATIVE ONCOLOGY (Monday 6-8pm) Four-year postgraduate course funded by the European Social Fund. May require prior academic study.

SEXY NURSING (Thursdays 6-9pm) Girls, have you ever wanted to be a sexy nurse? Mr Rowlands want to meet you every week for nine weeks in room 12A.

ZZZZZZ (Thursday 6-8pm) Zed, Zee or just "Z" - it's the 26th letter of the alphabet and it's worthy of further study! Join us, along with the zebras, zinc zephyrs and zoo zodiacs, every Thursday in the IT Suite.

UTHERNESS "LAUGHS" FOR COMIC RELIEF

Utherness is learning to laugh for Comic Relief, with a series of events happening in the town throughout the day. Local stand-up comedian Eric Silver (84) is leading three-hundred people in a Sponsored Presbyterianism in the town square. Tag Relay Vinegary Disapproval will be happening all day at Utherness Community Hall. And a Mass Shouting of the Phrase: "Do You Know Who The Last Great Minority Are in this Country? Shall I Tell You? White Middle-Class Men!" is due for 6pm at the Merkat Cross.

GARGLING

Laughter, a curious gargling vocalistion which can happen spontaneously following visual or auditory stimuli, was invented in Oxfordshire in 1861 by Sir Edward Lear. During the early part of the twentieth century its popularity spread throughout all parts of England, eventually reaching Carlisle just prior to the Queen's Coronation. However, its advance into Scotland was very slow, only arriving in Dumfries in the summer of 1999. It was regarded with suspicion by the Scottish Government, and strictly rationed to six laughs a year. The state-owned sit-com "Still Game" was broadcast nightly over communal screens, and nurses were in attendance for any obvious signs of hysteria or enjoyment. Luckily, they were rarely needed. Laughter was finally fully legalised in Scotland in 2007, although only in designated areas, with a ban in pubs and all workplaces.

GREY

Eric Silver, interviewed yesterday wearing his Comic Relief grey nose, was quoted yesterday as saying: "Only the English, with their inexplicable love of entertainment, could possibly give this laughter nonsense house room. Only the English, and those ridiculous goons Morcambe and Wise who fill our TV screens every night with their smiling and dancing, could possibly enjoy a harsh, rasping activity that gives nothing back to the economy. Only the English, with their relaxed and sexy attitudes, could possibly care about feeling happy."

Eric is performing eighteen straight nights of stand-up at the Utherness Highlandland Arena, before touring Scotland for the rest of the year, ending as Widow Twankee at the Glasgow Pavilion in November.

LOCAL HISTORIAN HURTS TOE

Dr Christorian Proctor (41), manager of the Highlandland Visitor's Centre, Salmon Farm Road, Utherness, is suffering from a badly stubbed and bruised left big toe, it was revealed by Dr Proctor's PR agent Cliff Maxford at a special press conference yesterday.

LIMP

Dr Proctor, who had only last week revealed Highlandland's latest attraction, a fully interactive display commemorating the 50th anniversary of Buddy Holly's death in the car park following a plane crash, is said to be "limping" and "wincing" - and was photographed being helped to his car while shouting "I'm going to be back on my feet in a mumphf!!!!" at neighbours who didn't care.

BOOBY

A seventy-eight part documentary, broadcast on Ironically Living TV, started last week, showing Dr Proctor's trials and tribulations of existing with a badly stubbed and bruised left big toe. This is not the first time Dr Proctor has appeared on television - in 2003, he became the first academic to win "Nae Bother" the popular STV reality show which forced recent graduates to commit acts of violence at gun point. In 2007, Dr Proctor returned to a special Children Need Relief edition of the show, "Celebrity Nae Bother", but was widely condemned in the press at the time when he was filmed booby-trapping a primary school and attending a Nazi rally. However, it has been requested by Mr Maxford that that particular time in Dr Proctor's life be now completely forgotten, and instead he be portrayed as some bizarre, post-Diana secular saint, which we are more than happy to adhere to.

TWO PET

Dr Proctor's wedding to Angela McTiree, a sixteen year old shop girl from the local Greggs and fan of the singer Jay-Zee, was broadcast on Ironically Living TV last Saturday. Futher moments in Dr Proctor's short life (visiting the chiropodist, having a Tubi-Grip fitted, and eating a Greggs pie at least once a day) are to be exclusively covered by the local "Fit Likee?" celebrity gossip magazine. It is hoped that the £250 raised will go to the upkeep of Dr Proctor's two pet guinea pigs, Columbo and Zaphod, after Dr Proctor has gone - and that he can keep in contact with them "via God's Twitter account or something", according to Mr Maxford.

LE. BUT IT IS UN

Said the PR guru at the press conference yesterday: "Of course, it is just possible that medical science may find a cure for a badly stubbed and bruised left big toe, some miracle that means that Dr Proctor can walk again and enjoy a long and happy life. But it is unlikely. And even if it isn't, Chris will get to keep the money".