Advertising Feature
Utherness College of Further Education have announced their new Easter programme of evening classes: whether you are interested in medicine, car maintenance or literature, why not pop along to the Admissions office and pick up a prospectus, or apply online at www.ebay.co.uk/subs_check_url
ADULT EDUCATION (Thursday 6-9pm) Do you want to learn maths, but with extra nudity and swearing? Then this 6-week course is the one for you!
BASIC ADULT EDUCATION (Monday 6-9pm) Do you have a problem with basic understandingment of English? Then expression kiss outblown your mum anvil jamrag. Course lasts 6-whoops.
CAR MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Every aspect of car maintenance is covered in this 26 week BSL-accredited course. Modules include: paying a mechanic, sitting in the office reading "Autotrader", ignoring thumps while braking, and having a "mate".
CV MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Do you have a Curriculum Vitae (in the Yanks films, they call them "resumays")? Join me, Ernie Silver, for seven weeks where I show you how to build a resumay worthy of the best jobs Utherness has to offer - part-time care assistants, all-night garage cashiers, telesales and homeworking with craft envelopes. The future resu-may be yours!
DISHWASHING (Monday 1-3pm) Unemployed men - this 30 week course is for you!
FACEBOOK FOR THE ELDERLY (Monday 3-5pm) Ever wondered how to make a cup of tea on-line? Or play 'Countdown' with friends when the buses are off? This great fun course shows you how becoming a "silver surfer" can turn you into a tedious over-energetic annoyance in just six weeks.
THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 6-8pm) Born in 1759 Ayrshire, you follow poet Robert Burns through his life of hard-drinking and womanising, from a simple farm hand, through his years of stardrom in Edinburgh, before ending ignominiously in debt in Dumfries. Course lasts 37 years.
MONTY PYTHON'S THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 7-9pm) Born in the cottage next door in 1759 Ayrshire, Brian Burns spends his entire life hilariously being mistaken for Robert Burns, despite the fact his poetry is awful and he is awkward with women. Course lasts 88 minutes (color).
PhD IN PALLIATIVE ONCOLOGY (Monday 6-8pm) Four-year postgraduate course funded by the European Social Fund. May require prior academic study.
SEXY NURSING (Thursdays 6-9pm) Girls, have you ever wanted to be a sexy nurse? Mr Rowlands want to meet you every week for nine weeks in room 12A.
ZZZZZZ (Thursday 6-8pm) Zed, Zee or just "Z" - it's the 26th letter of the alphabet and it's worthy of further study! Join us, along with the zebras, zinc zephyrs and zoo zodiacs, every Thursday in the IT Suite.
ADULT EDUCATION (Thursday 6-9pm) Do you want to learn maths, but with extra nudity and swearing? Then this 6-week course is the one for you!
BASIC ADULT EDUCATION (Monday 6-9pm) Do you have a problem with basic understandingment of English? Then expression kiss outblown your mum anvil jamrag. Course lasts 6-whoops.
CAR MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Every aspect of car maintenance is covered in this 26 week BSL-accredited course. Modules include: paying a mechanic, sitting in the office reading "Autotrader", ignoring thumps while braking, and having a "mate".
CV MAINTENANCE (Tuesday 7-9pm) Do you have a Curriculum Vitae (in the Yanks films, they call them "resumays")? Join me, Ernie Silver, for seven weeks where I show you how to build a resumay worthy of the best jobs Utherness has to offer - part-time care assistants, all-night garage cashiers, telesales and homeworking with craft envelopes. The future resu-may be yours!
DISHWASHING (Monday 1-3pm) Unemployed men - this 30 week course is for you!
FACEBOOK FOR THE ELDERLY (Monday 3-5pm) Ever wondered how to make a cup of tea on-line? Or play 'Countdown' with friends when the buses are off? This great fun course shows you how becoming a "silver surfer" can turn you into a tedious over-energetic annoyance in just six weeks.
THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 6-8pm) Born in 1759 Ayrshire, you follow poet Robert Burns through his life of hard-drinking and womanising, from a simple farm hand, through his years of stardrom in Edinburgh, before ending ignominiously in debt in Dumfries. Course lasts 37 years.
MONTY PYTHON'S THE LIFE OF BURNS (Tuesday 7-9pm) Born in the cottage next door in 1759 Ayrshire, Brian Burns spends his entire life hilariously being mistaken for Robert Burns, despite the fact his poetry is awful and he is awkward with women. Course lasts 88 minutes (color).
PhD IN PALLIATIVE ONCOLOGY (Monday 6-8pm) Four-year postgraduate course funded by the European Social Fund. May require prior academic study.
SEXY NURSING (Thursdays 6-9pm) Girls, have you ever wanted to be a sexy nurse? Mr Rowlands want to meet you every week for nine weeks in room 12A.
ZZZZZZ (Thursday 6-8pm) Zed, Zee or just "Z" - it's the 26th letter of the alphabet and it's worthy of further study! Join us, along with the zebras, zinc zephyrs and zoo zodiacs, every Thursday in the IT Suite.
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