Hyperspace On Hold Again!

UTHERNESS High Street's proposed new hyperspatial teleport has suffered another set-back yesterday, with North Uthernesshire Council refusing to pay the proposed £8.7 billion required to build a nuclear-powered "stargate" at either end of the shopping precinct.

HOLE

Plans for a wormhole-based public transport system were originally announced back in 2004, but put on hold following a feasibility study. A new PFI contract was signed in 2006, with NUC employing the construction firm MacRoads of Epsilon Eridani B.

SOMETIME

Building was due to start at the R S McColls end of the precinct last Friday, but has currently been put on hold due to a legal claim made by the firm for several billion pounds outstanding. Negotiations between all parties are due to begin upon the arrival of MacRoads' lawyers, which by current astronomical data should happen sometime in September 2019.

DISGRACE

The prospect of ten years of delays has upset some shopkeepers. Angie Clarty of Clarty Hair said: "The High Street is currently cordoned off to pedestrians. It's a disgrace that in this, the year of Homecoming, visitors can't even enjoy a simple hyperspatial jump without all this bureaucratic nonsense."

SOMEONE ELSE

"It's not rocket science," said someone else.

LIES

Hyperspatial jumps were a popular mode of transport in the early twentieth century, with most major cities in the UK having extensive tachyon tubes and wormhole networks, a MacRoads spokesman informed us today. The only teleport system currently surviving in the UK is in the Birkenhead area of Liverpool, but is now a rather dwindling tourist attraction.