UTHERNESS "LAUGHS" FOR COMIC RELIEF

Utherness is learning to laugh for Comic Relief, with a series of events happening in the town throughout the day. Local stand-up comedian Eric Silver (84) is leading three-hundred people in a Sponsored Presbyterianism in the town square. Tag Relay Vinegary Disapproval will be happening all day at Utherness Community Hall. And a Mass Shouting of the Phrase: "Do You Know Who The Last Great Minority Are in this Country? Shall I Tell You? White Middle-Class Men!" is due for 6pm at the Merkat Cross.

GARGLING

Laughter, a curious gargling vocalistion which can happen spontaneously following visual or auditory stimuli, was invented in Oxfordshire in 1861 by Sir Edward Lear. During the early part of the twentieth century its popularity spread throughout all parts of England, eventually reaching Carlisle just prior to the Queen's Coronation. However, its advance into Scotland was very slow, only arriving in Dumfries in the summer of 1999. It was regarded with suspicion by the Scottish Government, and strictly rationed to six laughs a year. The state-owned sit-com "Still Game" was broadcast nightly over communal screens, and nurses were in attendance for any obvious signs of hysteria or enjoyment. Luckily, they were rarely needed. Laughter was finally fully legalised in Scotland in 2007, although only in designated areas, with a ban in pubs and all workplaces.

GREY

Eric Silver, interviewed yesterday wearing his Comic Relief grey nose, was quoted yesterday as saying: "Only the English, with their inexplicable love of entertainment, could possibly give this laughter nonsense house room. Only the English, and those ridiculous goons Morcambe and Wise who fill our TV screens every night with their smiling and dancing, could possibly enjoy a harsh, rasping activity that gives nothing back to the economy. Only the English, with their relaxed and sexy attitudes, could possibly care about feeling happy."

Eric is performing eighteen straight nights of stand-up at the Utherness Highlandland Arena, before touring Scotland for the rest of the year, ending as Widow Twankee at the Glasgow Pavilion in November.